A Blog About Telling the Truth

When I started this blog a few days ago, my focus was on truth. Tonight, I’m thinking more about integrity. To me, truth-telling is a key part of acting in integrity.  But being human presents us with so many complex and ambiguous situations. Even for those of us who are deeply committed to both truth and integrity, it can be a real challenge to discern how to respond. Here’s a rather pithy example.

About a week ago, I answered an online ad from a man I’ll call Jimmy, who was offering to clean a whole house for $50. We’ve had some construction going on at our house, so it’s filthy – so that deal sounded great to me!  When we spoke on the phone, the man explained that he was just starting his cleaning business, and was offering this great deal because he needed to have satisfied clients who could give him good references. However, he also mentioned a few times that he “loved to serve.” That raised a little red flag for me. So I confess, I wasn’t entirely surprised when Jimmy showed up at my house with a lacy pink housedress, which he wanted to wear while he cleaned.  Being the open-minded lesbians that we are, my partner Michelle and I barely batted an eye. Jimmy cleaned for a couple of hours, then told me he felt sick and needed to go home. We were disappointed (since most of the house was still dirty), and wondered… was he really sick? or was cleaning our really dirty house while in drag just not as fun as he’d thought it would be?  or was it that we hadn’t been sufficiently dominant? or was it that he’d wanted us to be shocked by his outfit?

Well, we got our answer tonight.  Jimmy emailed me (his email name turned out to be “subsissymaid”)and explained that he would like to return, if Michelle and I would be “very demanding and dominant” with him, and choose which one of his “several very pretty maid’s outfits” he would wear. In exchange, he would do a great cleaning job and charge us very little.

How does one respond with integrity to this kind of offer?

I knew that I didn’t want to judge Jimmy. And I knew I wanted to get my house cleaned!  And so my first response was, well, if Jimmy’s ulterior motive could result in our getting a clean house for a good price, why not?

But in talking about it, Michelle and I realized that, although Jimmy may have a fantasy about being a “sub sissy maid,” neither of us, as it happens, has a fantasy about being the dominatrix of a sub sissy maid. Even if we did have such a fantasy, neither of us would choose to act it out, because, as an overarching principle, it’s important to us to treat people with dignity and respect. So if what Jimmy really wanted was for us to demean, humiliate or abuse him, we would have to decline.   

As a person with a spiritually-based healing practice, I hold a number of beliefs, some of which may seem somewhat contradictory (though I don’t believe they ultimately are.) I believe it’s important to accept and appreciate people in all our diversity, without judging or pathologizing. I also believe it’s important to look at the root of our behaviors, longings and fantasies, to understand where they come from, and to heal the distortions and wounds which so often twist us out of shape. I feel passionate about working to heal my own wounds, and helping others heal theirs. Yet, I also know that individuals must choose for themselves whether to embark on a path of introspection and healing. The fact that I believe someone could heal from what I see as a “distortion,” doesn’t mean that they will, or even that they should.

If Jimmy had come to me as a client, I would work with him to gain more understanding about his “sub sissy maid” fantasy, and to heal what I imagine is probably the childhood suffering at its root.  But he didn’t come to me and ask me for that, so – I think – it would be inappropriate for me to offer it.  On the other hand, is it really an act of integrity for me to allow him to enact his “sub sissy maid” fantasy, while cleaning my house?  Perhaps it is. After all, I would treat him with dignity and respect in the process (whether he wants it or not!)  But perhaps it isn’t – since I do have an ulterior motive, after all (wanting to get my house cleaned at a below-market price.) 

So I wrote Jimmy back and said we’d be fine with choosing his maid’s outfit, and being picky about the house cleaning – but not with demeaning him. That’s my attempt to walk the line, in this instance, between all the different things I hold as true. I haven’t received his response yet. And I would welcome yours!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 30th, 2007 at 7:49 pm and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.