A Blog About Telling the Truth

I’ve thought a lot recently about the value of uncertainty. As a culture (and maybe as a species, I’m not sure), we’re so easily tempted to grab for certainty — to think we know what “the truth” is. I’ve been as guilty of this as anyone — maybe more so than many! I remember my mother once said to me, “You’re always so sure you’re right, even when you’re wrong.” She was speaking about my authoritative way of acting like I knew how to get where I was going, in a literal sense (we were in the car trying to get someplace), but this has been true of me in a figurative sense, as well. I know where I get it from; my father’s famous line was, “Oh yes, I was wrong once… I think it was sometime back around 1963.” Very funny. But as readers of my essay “Anniversary” know, my father’s attempt to be, or at least appear, “right” (and strong, and invulnerable) all the time, contributed to his drug addiction, leading to the loss of his medical license and his life as all of us had known it.

So thinking one is “right” all the time clearly contributes to disaster on a personal - and relational - level. But on a much larger level, I believe it’s also responsible for most of the group massacres we call “wars,” between tribal groups, nations, blocs of nations… In the July issue of The Sun, Thich Nhat Hanh is quoted as saying, “If you have a gun, you can go out and shoot one, two, three, five people. But if you have an ideology and stick to it, thinking it is the absolute truth, you can kill millions.”

So how can we manage to live without falling into that trap? Many of the people I know have a history of grappling toward truth in various ways… thinking we’ve found it… then realizing we were wrong. That realization is often shattering — yet without it, we can’t keep growing.

My partner Michelle was a fundamentalist Christian in her teens because she wanted the world to be that black and white - it seemed so comforting to her. When she realized she was a lesbian, that path no longer worked for her, so she became a scientist instead, thinking the “objective truths” of scientific discovery would provide her with the sense of certainty she sought. Eventually, that worldview ceased to be big enough for her, too, so she went to seminary, hoping to find a ministry whose theology she could wholeheartedly subscribe to. Not surprisingly, she didn’t; she seems to be more of a confirmed spiritual eclectic, as I am, but that’s a harder ground to stand on…

We have another friend who used to be a radical lesbian separatist. Recently, falling in love with a man - along with her Buddhist practice - has caused her, too, to rethink much of what she used to think she “knew.”

As for me, when I began studying with a very powerful therapist and spiritual teacher some years ago, I experienced a lot of healing, and had a sense of making tremendous breakthroughs in my understanding of life and spirituality. Some of the time, though, instead of making me more open and compassionate to others, those experiences had the opposite effect — I felt distant from other people not on the same path, or whom I judged to be “not as far along” as I thought I was. This arrogance, of course, was a poison which negated whatever truth I might actually have grasped.

Yet “Uncertainty Now!” is not exactly a catchy slogan. It’s hard to cleave to. Maybe we need more formal and explicit ways — support groups, sanghas? — to support each other in the real truth of not-knowing.

When I started this blog a few days ago, my focus was on truth. Tonight, I’m thinking more about integrity. To me, truth-telling is a key part of acting in integrity.  But being human presents us with so many complex and ambiguous situations. Even for those of us who are deeply committed to both truth and integrity, it can be a real challenge to discern how to respond. Here’s a rather pithy example.

About a week ago, I answered an online ad from a man I’ll call Jimmy, who was offering to clean a whole house for $50. We’ve had some construction going on at our house, so it’s filthy - so that deal sounded great to me!  When we spoke on the phone, the man explained that he was just starting his cleaning business, and was offering this great deal because he needed to have satisfied clients who could give him good references. However, he also mentioned a few times that he “loved to serve.” That raised a little red flag for me. So I confess, I wasn’t entirely surprised when Jimmy showed up at my house with a lacy pink housedress, which he wanted to wear while he cleaned.  Being the open-minded lesbians that we are, my partner Michelle and I barely batted an eye. Jimmy cleaned for a couple of hours, then told me he felt sick and needed to go home. We were disappointed (since most of the house was still dirty), and wondered… was he really sick? or was cleaning our really dirty house while in drag just not as fun as he’d thought it would be?  or was it that we hadn’t been sufficiently dominant? or was it that he’d wanted us to be shocked by his outfit?

Well, we got our answer tonight.  Jimmy emailed me (his email name turned out to be “subsissymaid”)and explained that he would like to return, if Michelle and I would be “very demanding and dominant” with him, and choose which one of his “several very pretty maid’s outfits” he would wear. In exchange, he would do a great cleaning job and charge us very little.

How does one respond with integrity to this kind of offer?

I knew that I didn’t want to judge Jimmy. And I knew I wanted to get my house cleaned!  And so my first response was, well, if Jimmy’s ulterior motive could result in our getting a clean house for a good price, why not?

But in talking about it, Michelle and I realized that, although Jimmy may have a fantasy about being a “sub sissy maid,” neither of us, as it happens, has a fantasy about being the dominatrix of a sub sissy maid. Even if we did have such a fantasy, neither of us would choose to act it out, because, as an overarching principle, it’s important to us to treat people with dignity and respect. So if what Jimmy really wanted was for us to demean, humiliate or abuse him, we would have to decline.   

As a person with a spiritually-based healing practice, I hold a number of beliefs, some of which may seem somewhat contradictory (though I don’t believe they ultimately are.) I believe it’s important to accept and appreciate people in all our diversity, without judging or pathologizing. I also believe it’s important to look at the root of our behaviors, longings and fantasies, to understand where they come from, and to heal the distortions and wounds which so often twist us out of shape. I feel passionate about working to heal my own wounds, and helping others heal theirs. Yet, I also know that individuals must choose for themselves whether to embark on a path of introspection and healing. The fact that I believe someone could heal from what I see as a “distortion,” doesn’t mean that they will, or even that they should.

If Jimmy had come to me as a client, I would work with him to gain more understanding about his “sub sissy maid” fantasy, and to heal what I imagine is probably the childhood suffering at its root.  But he didn’t come to me and ask me for that, so - I think - it would be inappropriate for me to offer it.  On the other hand, is it really an act of integrity for me to allow him to enact his “sub sissy maid” fantasy, while cleaning my house?  Perhaps it is. After all, I would treat him with dignity and respect in the process (whether he wants it or not!)  But perhaps it isn’t - since I do have an ulterior motive, after all (wanting to get my house cleaned at a below-market price.) 

So I wrote Jimmy back and said we’d be fine with choosing his maid’s outfit, and being picky about the house cleaning - but not with demeaning him. That’s my attempt to walk the line, in this instance, between all the different things I hold as true. I haven’t received his response yet. And I would welcome yours!

I decided to start this blog when my essay, “Anniversary,” was published in The Sun. This autobiographical essay emerged from my desire to honor what I saw as some of the complex, painful, beautiful, tragic truths of my parents’ marriage and lives. I worked hard when I wrote it not to dwell only on the “negative,” yet also not to shrink away from it. I worked hard to embrace my parents in this essay, because this is how I want to embrace the world.

Because I believe that truth heals, I wanted to publish the essay under my own name. However, The Sun was concerned about the possibility of causing harm or discomfort to my parents or others mentioned in the piece. Since it was not my intention to cause harm, and since, after all, my “truth” isn’t necessarily anyone else’s, I agreed to use a pseudonym, Leah Truth. (“Leah” is an anagram for “Heal.”)

Yet, because truth is so important to me both in my writing, and in every other sphere of my life, it seemed somehow wrong — dishonest, in a way — to just use a pseudonym and leave it at that. So I decided to create this blog as a way to do some public musing on this thorny issue of “truth-telling,” and to invite comments from others.

Last year, a friend christened me “Hot Fire Truth Teller.” He meant the moniker to honor me, and in a way it does. Yet this honoring was bittersweet, since it came on the heels of the shattering of a relationship which had been extremely important to me. My former mentor could not tolerate my telling what I saw as the truth; although she had asked my opinion, when I told her I thought she was in error, she saw it as a grave breach of loyalty. Almost a year later, my grief about the loss of that relationship is still very deep. At the same time, I do not regret having told the truth as I saw it.

What follows is a series of provocative comments about Truth - some of which may seem to contradict each other. I find, however, that I agree with all of them. In fact, I find myself wanting to alter the famous Whitman quote in a way I doubt Walt would mind: “So truths contradict themselves? Very well then, truths contradict themselves. They are large; they contain multitudes.”

As time goes on, I will probably add more of my own reflections on this question. For now, I invite yours, and offer the voices of a panoply of other thinkers:

Each recognition, each insight, each honest admission, each shedding of a partial mask, each breaking through of a defense, each step of courage and honesty where you take responsibility for your negativity, is a lighting of yet another candle. You bring light into your soul by bringing truth into your darkness.

– Pathwork lecture #219

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. - Albert Einstein

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it. - Andre Gide

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem

There are no whole truths: all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil. - Alfred North Whitehead

Chase after the truth like all hell and you’ll free yourself, even though you never touch its coattails. - Clarence Darrow

Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up, at least a little bit.

- Edward R. Murrow

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

- George Orwell

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

- Josh Billings

If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people. - Virginia Woolf

The world is too dangerous for anything but truth, and too small for anything but love. - William Sloane Coffin

All truths wait in all things. They neither hasten their own delivery, nor resist it. - Walt Whitman

And I won’t waste another second / living in hell like it’s some kind of heaven. / And if one truth leads to another / Isn’t there one I can uncover? / There isn’t one I can’t discover. - Beth Orton

I maintain that truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever. - Krishnamurti

Truth and beauty live most happily amid complexity and paradox. - Jane Hirshfield

Deep inside I know that trying to figure things out leads to blindness - that the desire to understand contains a built-in brutality that erases what you seek to comprehend. - Peter Hoeg